Sunday, April 29, 2012

Hello my name is Procrastinate.

I have been meaning to write this post for a week or so now.  I'm glad I kept putting it off though because I do feel better than I was feeling.  Last week I was feeling awful about myself.  Probably the worst that I'd felt about myself in a really, really, long time.  Two days in a row, I couldn't manage to get out of bed. Then after that, I did get out of bed only to go to the grocery store to buy a wheel of brie and box of crackers and drown myself in it.  I just felt like I was falling apart.  My eczema is bad, my nocturnal chronic urticaria (fancy words for nighttime hives & itching) has never been worse.  It's a special kind of hell, that I would wish on no one.  Well, almost no one.  My bingeing has never been worse and my hair-pulling has never been worse.  I have no recollection if I've ever mentioned that on the blog but there it is. So yeah, there it all is.  F*CK.

I started to think about how to get myself out of it.  I have been sucking at the points counting and just don't actually want to do it. ($$)  I joined Sparkpeople (free - my username is cgintraining) and got excited about that because there is no manipulating it. Weighing your food and entering it, plain and simple, it will count every calorie.  WW points are a bit vague at times. Like one laughing cow wedge is one point but then one day, you use two and when you enter it, you realize two, is still only one point.  Now you're pretty much going to eat two for the rest of time because you can.  But those calories still count.  But even joining Sparkpeople, I was thinking eat eat eat.  The minute I try to control food, I want to eat more than anything, and I do.  That's a problem.  The only time I find my eating to be that of a normal person is when I'm regularly working out.  I don't know what it is but I just don't have the same urge to eat everything bad in mass quantities.  I don't know if it's that I don't want to negate the workouts or if it's the endorphins that just make me feel better or a combination.  This brought me to the decision that instead of placing the focus on food and what I can't eat, I'm focussing on exercise and activity.  Might seem like the same thing, but I feel like the gym is exercise and going for a leisurely bike ride or a walk after dinner is being active.  Then maybe, just maybe, normal food consumption will follow.  Where to start?

This post is going to be too long.  I just know it.  It already is.  But I should do it now so that I don't just never do it.

I saw on my brother's facebook that he registered for a half-marathon in October.  He's a paramedic and my stepdad is a firefighter and this is the first  race for that group.  I went to the website to see if there were other events and immediately, before I could change my mind, registered for the 10km.  It's October.  I can do this by October.  I am relieved to have a real attainable goal.  I then emailed a few friends and one registered for the 10km and one registered for the half so I'm guaranteed to have people to eat after race pancakes with!  And I roped them into it, so I'll do it.  And there's a medal.  I'm all about the bling.  :)  Oh and the health benefits are pretty good too.

Okay, that's enough for now.  There is much more I want to write and I want to share a super delicious recipe I made yesterday but that will wait a few days.  Yes, a few days, not a few weeks.   And here's a photo of my biggest (smallest) spirit lifter, my niece.  She comes over for supper every Tuesday with two other grown-ups and I usually babysit her once on the weekend.  I can't say no because it's a great way to spend an evening!!  Can't wait till I can pose her pretending to drive my car like Toonces the driving cat.

And a very short video about how funny she thinks I am. :)

So if you're still here, thanks for sticking with me!!!  I have been reading posts but every time it came to writing my own, I just didn't.  Now i'm going to go get my gym stuff together for tomorrow so there's no room for excuses!


  1. I'm sorry you were going through such a hard time, but am happy to hear your moving forward and making big plans! Yay for signing up for the marathon!! Exercise is my goal this week too. I'm moving on from WW for now too. I have 2wks left on my online and I'm not renewing. I'm working on proper intuitive eating and exercise. It's what my naturopathic Dr suggested before and I never gave it a true go. We'll see...keep in touch and lets keep each other accountable!!

    1. Yeah, I don't know what it was about WW over the last few months but I am just irritated by it. I'm going to make a few other changes to what I'm eating also just to see if it helps with my skin issues etc. I was just using the eTools and I finally decided to cancel it. I can put that $18 toward the fancy food I'll be eating, hehe.

  2. Hi Michelle,
    I always enjoying reading your posts, it's very relatable to me. Sorry you've been struggling. Same here! ugh, it is indeed frustrating but we can get past it!! I've been feeling the same way about WW, looking back on my blog I did most of my losing but counting ACTUAL calories! I think I may give spark people a shot too. and YAY on the 10K, I do believe that will help you stay motivated.
    oh and omg, your neice is so freaking ADORABLE!!! :)