Please Stop the Ride!

It's been a while.  I haven't done much but I've maintained my weight.  Pretty good considering usually when I'm not losing weight, I'm gaining weight.  Staying the same is okay for right now because I haven't been capable of much else.

I've been on this!  Canada's Wonderland.

Normally, I love rollercoasters.  Love them!  I want to get off the emotional one I'm on.  There has been so much happening.  So much.  And I'm still smack dab in the middle of it.  Painfully so.  There have been a few good things and some bad things and it's all exhausting so I'll just share a couple today, otherwise, it will be one of those posts that is so long that you open it and think "oh hell, I don't have time to read that!"  So I'll post again this weekend with the rest.

The good first -- I have posted before about my least favorite body part.  My breasts.  Ugh.  Far too big, far too much back pain.  I can only spend so much on massage therapy only to have the pain back in a couple of days.  Anyhow, back in February I finally asked my doctor for a referral to a surgeon for a breast reduction.  I had my first consultation in May, they took all the measurements required and did an exam and told me I was "clearly a candidate" for insurance to cover it.  Awesome!   Then I was told the wait was a year.  Sigh.  They did have a cancellation list so I put myself on it and told them that I would so love to get an appt between October & March because winter is the best time for me and my job to be able to take time off.  I also told them I could do short notice, give me a couple weeks heads up and I'll take it.  The call came at the end of October and they had a cancellation for me for November 29th.  I jumped on it.  My birthday is the 30th so I'm thinking this is the best birthday present ever.  I'm so excited.  I've researched and researched and I'm pretty prepared around home for my recovery time.  I'm pumped.  I can't believe it's this Tuesday!

The bad -- I hate when something or someone points out that I'm fat.  I know I'm fat.  I don't need a reminder.  Here was the reminder, at least that other people thought so too.  So my Grandma and Grandpa recently moved with my Dad all the way from Ontario to BC.  A big move at their age.  Grams is 91 and Gramps is almost 93.  Grams is starting to have some confusion.  We're not sure if it's Alzheimer's or dementia or sometimes just some confusion.  People used to get my sister Erin and I mixed up constantly.  Not so much now that I'm overweight.  With there being three granddaughters, she's starting to mix us all up.  I was talking to my Dad on the phone, saying how excited I was that I will be there to visit in a month and I asked how Grams was doing with the confusion etc.  He told a few really funny stories about things she's said and then he thought of one more.  Dad was telling her how Erin was coming over for supper and that I was coming to visit for ten days at Christmas and she looked at him and said "who's the big one?" Yeah, that would be me.  F*ck.  I don't blame her for saying it.  She's 91 years old and she can't ask who's the blonde, who's the freckled one, or who's the blue-eyed one because we both are.  The only difference to her is that I'm the big one.  But you know, he's known that I struggle with my weight, he's known how hard I've tried, he knows about the thyroid, he knows about the depression, did he really have to repeat that f*cking charming anecdote?  No, he didn't.  And what's more, is that Grams is pretty damn proper and she never would have said that to me or in front of me.  I took a hit that day.  That was Saturday.  Now I'm going to visit one month from today knowing I'm the "big one" to everyone else too, not just me.  Ugh.  I love this forum.  I haven't even repeated this story to anyone because I probably would have cried while telling it.

Hopefully, I can use this as motivation after the surgery.  Heck, the surgery alone is automatically going to make me smaller and I've been reading up on the healing diet that is recommended for speedy healing with fewer issues.  Just by looking at it, I can tell there will be weight loss.  Every little bit helps.

I will post again this weekend because oh yes, there is still more.  It's been a crazy, crazy month!
Missed you bloggy peeps :)

Back to the Basics . . .

After floundering in every way possible over the last few weeks, I've gone back to the basics.  Last Friday, I had the day off and I was sitting here all blue just trying to think of what to eat and feeling like everything was boring and I needed some inspiration and ideas.  For that, I turned to my own blog, gee, imagine that!  I scrolled back through my posts knowing I had posted pictures in the past of things that I loved and what I was eating.  Back in the mix are a few simple salads, a thai peanut stir fry that I make with a packet that I LOVE, chicken fajitas, hard-boiled eggs, omelets, spaghetti squash and wraps.  Just to name a few.  I went through the flyers, found that the case of boneless skinless chicken breast was on sale at Sobey's and started there.  Then off to Costco for lots of fruits & veggies, frozen & fresh.  I haven't eaten a meal out since and I've been completely satisfied.  Tonight I was tired and hadn't planned what I was going to eat but since I had a variety of fresh stuff in the fridge, I ended up with an egg white omelet stuffed with spinach, mushrooms, onions, tomato, havarti & feta and a sliced tomato from the garden on the side. Delicious and it didn't take long at all.  

I also started tracking all my WW points plus again and today is day 6.  Going back to the basics paid off on the scale, I weighed in on Tuesday which made it 8 days and I was down 6.6 pounds.  WHOOP!  I don't even know how that's possible but I weighed myself again this morning to make sure and it was on par.  I'll take it!

I also worked out a few times in the last few days in the form Just Dance 3 for the Wii.   Oh man, fun fun fun.  Actually, the funniest part was when I took it to my neighbor's place.  She popped it in her Wii and moved the furniture out of the way and told me to choose a song while she went to the washroom.  I couldn't decide and then just opted for "speed shuffle" just thinking that would give us some short versions of some songs.  After a while, laughing, dancing, bumping into each other and sweating buckets, we kept thinking, "isn't this over yet??"  Then another song would start.  Finally we stopped it and ran outside to cool off.  We came back in and she checked the time played and it was 39 minutes.  I checked the booklet and it turns out that speed shuffle will play a shortened version of each song.  EACH OF THE 40 SONGS!  Ahahahah!  I don't even know how many songs we went through but it must have been almost all of them.  So funny.  Good to know for future.  Anyhow, highly recommend it, loved most of the songs too.  

This is the new wallpaper on my iPhone.  Just a reminder, that nothing that is happening in my life right now is the end of the world.  

Feel Good? Tweet Tweet?

The office treat guy strikes again!!  Of course he would, because it's almost Halloween.  This will continue for another month because Halloween candy will be on sale the day after as well.  Then it will be Christmas and he will strike again.  In fact, the holidays will blend together in treats I'm sure.  He sent out the email today inviting us all over for treats.  I went over later in the day to scold him.  I said "cut it out with the treats!"  And then I grabbed a raspberry tootsie pop and walked away with as much dignity as I could muster.  Next time, and by next time, I mean tomorrow - I'm going to ask him what the heck a skinny diabetic guy needs with all this candy?!

Q*Bert!

Oh Twitter.  I'm trying twitter.  I'm going to be honest.  I don't quite get it.  I need twitter for dummies.  Retweets and hashtags and all.  All those little symbols remind me of the Atari game Q*Bert.  Hehe - anyone under the age of 30 probably won't get that reference.  So if you want to find and follow me, go ahead, I'm terribly exciting.  I'm thinking it will be great for motivation or encouraging others throughout the day when we're not sitting at our computers blogging and commenting.  Is it called my "handle"?  I have no idea, anyway, I'm under Chubby Girl (by first and last name) and the handle is ChubbyGirlTrain.  The little picture is my button of the redhead (my button is on the right of this blog).  


In light of my recent meltdown or ongoing meltdown, whatever, I've decided to try to take really good care of myself.  I'm making a list of things that make me feel good. Here's what I have so far:
A clean condo.  I LOVE my condo. LOVE IT.  So when it's clean and everything is in its place, it feels so wonderful.  On the other hand, a messy condo makes me more like a shut-in.  However, I am not a domestic goddess so this doesn't just come naturally.  
Eating better.  Haha - isn't that what this blog was originally supposed to be about??  But really, when I eat better, I feel better.  
Exercise.  Like above, I'm betting exercise will make me feel even better.  You know, endorphins and all.  
Less facebook.  Sounds stupid I know.  But facebook makes me feel like sh*t these days so I'm just going to stay off of it for a while.  I'll tweet instead :)  And if I'm loving my facebook free week, I'm going to delete it.  
Sleep.  This should actually be number one.  I need to get to bed earlier.  Last night I made sure to be in bed early and I actually woke up before my alarm and had a pleasant morning NOT running around like a crazy person.  
Saying no.  I need to say no when I want to say no.  And stop saying yes when I desperately want to say no.  


So my questions to you fabulous folks . . . what makes you feel good or happy or whatever?  And got any twitter tips?  Wanna follow me?  Want me to follow you?  Let me know!!


And ps -- thanks for the support.  Really truly really truly.  


pps -- I just watched the most disgusting Survivor challenge I've ever seen.  

Soooo . . . . crap.

Soooo yeah.  I'm not in a good place.  Really not.  I've turned into a hermit.  I've always been a bit of a homebody in that I like being at home.  I don't mind spending time alone and I love my home.  But I think I've crossed the line from homebody to hermit.  Mostly because I don't want to spread this negativity and Debbie Downer business around.  And because I really just don't want to be around people.

When it comes right down to the very nitty gritty of it, I'm not happy.  I'm quite unhappy.  I'm an angry person.  I'm a fearful person.  Sometimes I think my fear masquerades as anger.  I feel like I suck at life.  These are things that I generally always think and feel but I've gotten quite good at just pushing it back down and going on with business as usual.  However, circumstances as of late, bring all of it to the surface, all the time.  My baby sister gets married tomorrow.  She's getting married by a JP just to be married before the baby comes and there is a very small family only dinner tomorrow night.  Every time I think about it, I cry.  Every time.  At work.  While waiting for the bus.  While on the bus.  If I think about it, I can choke on the lump in my throat and tears sting my eyes.  I feel like such a failure.  A loser.  A spinster.  And then I get angry.  At myself.  Very very angry.

As a result of my explosion of emotion at a fricking bus top on Tuesday morning, I made an appointment with one of our company counsellors.  I work for a great company and I am very thankful that we have two counsellors on staff and it's free.  FREE!!!  I had an appointment the same day I called and as a result, I  now have 4 more appointments scheduled within October and November and I will be doing therapy.  Therapy.  THERAPY.  Seems like such a big word now.  Ominous really.  I've never done therapy before.  I thought I had just by talking to a counsellor every few months to a year but as it turns out, that's not really THERAPY.  And what I'm giving a try is hypnotherapy.  Not gonna lie.  I'm scared.  Not scared to try it.  But scared that I try it and it doesn't work.  Then what?  Then I just stay the way I am forever?  I don't actually believe I will survive being the way I am forever.  So it has to work.  I feel like I'm in a swimming pool and everyone is frolicking in the pool and bouncing around and having a great old time and I'm half under water, drowning, with only my eyes above the surface watching everyone.

As for the weight loss part of my equation, I have not given up.  I've been doing really well at not eating the refined white stuff.  I actually lost 5 pounds in that week that I started.  I am going to weigh in on Monday.  My neighbor started back with WW and her weigh-ins are Monday too so we are going to keep each other accountable and we are getting together on Monday to set goals.  I am two weeks behind on Brad Gansberg's running thing though because I joined up for the September 26th start and sent my new Y gym request into payroll but they were so backlogged with work that it didn't get hooked up right way.  I should be able to get my card and go on Sunday.

So that's where I'm at.  Time for bed now.  Good night sweet peeps.

Quick Update . . .

This is just a speedy update (hopefully) because I am so tired and I can't think of anything!!  So the highlights:

Grandma & Grandpa when we picked them up in the
Vancouver airport.  So damn cute!!!

1.  Had a great time in San Francisco!  Missed seeing a few things I wanted to see but saw a lot and had fun.  Also managed a few days at the end of the trip to see my family in Vancouver.  My Dad and Grandparents (90 & 92 years old) made the move from Ontario to BC.  They all arrived happy & healthy and I"m so happy I managed to fit that in there.  The timing was perfect.

Me, the first time I ran the half-marathon distance.

2.  I want to run again.  I'm dreading it and excited for it.  Mostly because I know it will be so hard and so worth it.  I miss the way I used to run.  I signed up for Brad Gansberg's online running group.  Check it out and email him if you're interested.  A group started yesterday and I just joined yesterday so I'm a bit late to start and will likely just be a week behind but I"m okay with that.  It's not like I'm physically running with the group.  The picture to the right is the first time I ran 21.1 km's, the half-marathon distance.  I was about 165 - 170 lbs there.  Sadly, this was just two years ago.  I don't even want to report my weight right now.  I will, just not today.






3.  I'm reading a book called This is Why You're Fat by Jackie Warner and I'm realizing for real how bad refined sugar is and how much of it is in EVERYTHING.  I know it will be a slow transition and I know I've heard how bad it all is a million times before but it's really sinking in now.  I want to eliminate those items as much as possible.  It's not lost on me that North America is the fattest it's ever been in history and all this "low-fat", "artificially sweetened" stuff didn't exist 40 years ago.  Today's sugar is the devil.

4.  I absolutely must get into the habit of having everything ready the night before.  Coffee maker, breakfast, lunch packed, clothes picked.  I'm assuming it's crappity crap crap diet and lack of exercise that's making me so tired.  But I am tired.  Every day all day, I'm tired.  I come home and lose an hour on the couch.  I wake up multiple times during the night.  I'm late for work more often than I'm on time.  I hate that!!!   So in that theme, right now I'm making some chili and some taco soup, both new recipes to me.  If they work and taste great I will link to them.  One of my favorite things about Fall coming in, is the soup, stews, and chowders.  There are so many to make that are hearty and good for you!  Yum!

That's it for now!

UPDATE!!  CHILI IS DONE AND TASTY!!  16.5 cups of nutritious goodness are ready for my freezer and my tummy.  Here's the recipe I used.  I cut the recipe in half and then just used all the seasonings to taste.

The Hardest Part . . .

The hardest part is getting out there.  I'm not one who loves exercise.  I'm not one who likes exercise.  I swear it takes me an hour to convince myself to exercise.  Once I've finally convinced myself to do it, it takes me half an hour to get ready to exercise.  So it takes me twice as long as the workout to just get to the workout.  Why is it so hard to just get out there and do it?  This morning I did just that.  Then I got outside and rode my bike and it was great.  I decided where I would go and then when I was done I decided to do more so I did another loop.  I mapped it when I got home and it was just over 12 kms.  So it's always been great when I get out there, I never regret exercising, and it's good for you and you feel good after . . . so why is it so fricking hard to just do it??



My motivation to get out this morning is that it's likely to pour rain this afternoon.  We had thundershowers all last night so it was great I got those fenders on!!  I biked far enough down the bike path where there a new road going in.  Because it's the weekend, no construction workers were out so I head on down the new road and it was like my very own traffic free, people free, kid free, dog free bike path!  I'm not quite as confident on a bike yet to take pictures of myself like Bitchcakes but one day!!  I took this shot with my phone of my solo bike path and and cloudy doom.  Hahaha!  That so does not look like a nice place to be biking but hey, the path was empty, perfectly smooth and the air was fresh and cool. :)

Oh Sweet Relief

I was down 0.8 pounds yesterday.  It's a miracle.  As of Friday, I was going to be up 2+.  I was freaking out.  Enter my friend Lindsay (thank you Lindsay).  She emailed me on Friday and said she often goes for a bike ride after she puts her kids to bed and she rides right by my place.  She said she would text me when she was leaving her house and if I could come great, if not, no biggie.  Sounds good to me.  Friday night I was sitting on the sofa just before 8 pm thinking "i wonder what time Lindsay puts her kids to bed", "what am I going to wear if she texts me?" and once I couldn't think of anything, "what can I say so that I don't have to go?".  Less than a minute after that thought, I got a text that said "i'm leaving in two minutes, be there in five".  Gulp.  I said okay and then around like crazy throwing something on and grabbing a bottle of water and dragging my bike out of the storage room.  By 9:15, I was home again after cycling 9 km.  All sweaty and happy.  It woke me up.  I ate fruits, veggies and egg whites all weekend to keep all the points low and under control just hoping that I could manage to salvage the awful week I wrote about.  I was really just hoping for no gain so to see a loss of 0.8 is really amazing and I'm so thankful for it.  The bike ride also motivated me to FINALLY put the basket and fenders on my bike.  They've been sitting here for months.  The fenders were pretty finicky and for the front one, I almost took it to the bike shop but I took a little breather and looked at it again and figured it out.  I hate paying people to put stuff together!!  My tires were low too and the convenience store next door JUST put a coin box on their air compressor so I bought a fantastic pump for home.  It's also small enough to put in a pack.

Napoleon Dynamite would love it.

I was so relieved for Monday to come as well just so that it was a new week.  Fresh weekly points, I haven't ruined the yet, I'm not in the hole, I"m still tracking everything.


So for this week, I have to get some walking in.  I swear I will probably have burning legs just walking around on my trip to San Francisco.  Incidentally, 10 MORE SLEEPS!!  There is also a baby shower that I am NOT going to and as per my last post, I'm buying soft fluffy towels that match as soon as I see them on sale.  :)

ps.  I so appreciate the comments and email support I got from you ladies.  Makes me feel like less of a freak knowing many feel the same way about the wedding/baby shower circuit!