Monday, November 15, 2010
Self-Esteem & Weigh-In Monday
I also mentioned at the end of the previous post that I was going to try walking home from work. I did it on Friday and it was fantastic! It 7 km and I really trucked it because I finished in an hour and 5 minutes. My only complaint was that I was too hot and I wish I'd brought one of my running shirts to wear home. Next time! I would love to do this 2 - 3 times per week.
I debated over whether or not to write about this but it's what I've been thinking about and I was half writing it in my head during the night so it's getting done. I can always delete it right?? I think everyone has a least favorite body part. It might not be evident to everyone else because we are always our own worst critic. It might even seem ridiculous to everyone else. For me, it's my (cringe) breasts. No, I'm not kidding. If I could fix one thing, that's what it would be. They are too BIG!! They make me uncomfortable and self-conscious. They give me back pain and shoulder dents from my bra. Speaking of bras, I have never had a really good fitting bra because they just don't carry them in stores. I once went to a specialty shop and got measured and told my "actual size"(I will not print this). I was pressured into ordering a bra that was $140. Then I left and cried all the way home. When they called to tell me the bra was in, I didn't go pick it up. I thought it made me look massive and I didn't want a bra that made me look like that. I can't wear button down shirts because if they fit in the middle, then the top buttons don't do up and if I buy a larger size to fit on top, then the waist is huge. All of those cute tops with the umpire waist band? Nope, can't wear them. And it seems like this has been the style for a couple of years now. I won't even talk about bathing suits because of the sheer ridiculousness of it. I do everything I can to make them appear smaller. I would love to get a breast reduction but the waiting list on that is 18 months to two years. Hopefully 18 months and then I can squeeze it in before my sisters wedding.
Anyhow, this one time, a big group of friends and acquaintances got together for some drinks, snacks and a slideshow of trip pictures. As I'm being internally critical of all of the pictures of myself, one picture pops up on the screen and right away, I want the ground to swallow me up. Something about the shirt or the way I was standing and half-turning to the camera made my chest look crazy big. Then a guy in the group (who has I'm sure had a few drinks by now) says something about "no way there is a bra in this picture". I'm not kidding. This happened and it was only 2 years ago. Right away I say that of course I'm wearing a bra and I know that there has not been one time ever that I have left the house without one. He keeps on insisting that there is no way I'm wearing a bra. His partner was across the room giving him the "shut the f*ck up" look that couples like to give each other. He wasn't getting it. I'm pretty sure I left in under ten minutes because I remember my face burning, my stomach turning, and the tears wanting to come out fast. I grabbed the dishes and food I'd brought and peeled out making some excuse for why I was leaving. I couldn't believe that the one thing that bothers me about my body, was the one thing that was pointed out. It basically just validated everything horrible I already felt and made me feel like sh*t.
Last Thursday I had to go shopping for something to wear to a banquet on Friday night. Nothing in my closet fits and I really started feeling like I didn't want to go. I really hate how feeling uncomfortable with myself or what I'm wearing stops me from going places. I decided that it was time for something new to wear. While I don't want to buy a lot of clothes right now, sometimes you just need a new outfit to get you over the hump. I bought a pair of black pants that fit perfectly, a floral (sort of) top and a black cardigan, and a necklace to go with. I felt pretty good in it and when I got to the banquet, I saw a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a long time. I was told that I looked great, that I was as beautiful as ever, that I wasn't aging and I magically looked the same as always, that they loved my new hair cut and so on.
At least a dozen fantastic compliments came my way and while it was wonderful, I am teflon when it comes to compliments. They don't stick. The negatives though, like the night of the slideshow, stick with me. I need to really work on absorbing the compliments, hanging on to them, believing them. And I really need to believe good things about myself without hearing them.
Oh self-esteem, wherefore are thou??