Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Soooo . . . . crap.

Soooo yeah.  I'm not in a good place.  Really not.  I've turned into a hermit.  I've always been a bit of a homebody in that I like being at home.  I don't mind spending time alone and I love my home.  But I think I've crossed the line from homebody to hermit.  Mostly because I don't want to spread this negativity and Debbie Downer business around.  And because I really just don't want to be around people.

When it comes right down to the very nitty gritty of it, I'm not happy.  I'm quite unhappy.  I'm an angry person.  I'm a fearful person.  Sometimes I think my fear masquerades as anger.  I feel like I suck at life.  These are things that I generally always think and feel but I've gotten quite good at just pushing it back down and going on with business as usual.  However, circumstances as of late, bring all of it to the surface, all the time.  My baby sister gets married tomorrow.  She's getting married by a JP just to be married before the baby comes and there is a very small family only dinner tomorrow night.  Every time I think about it, I cry.  Every time.  At work.  While waiting for the bus.  While on the bus.  If I think about it, I can choke on the lump in my throat and tears sting my eyes.  I feel like such a failure.  A loser.  A spinster.  And then I get angry.  At myself.  Very very angry.

As a result of my explosion of emotion at a fricking bus top on Tuesday morning, I made an appointment with one of our company counsellors.  I work for a great company and I am very thankful that we have two counsellors on staff and it's free.  FREE!!!  I had an appointment the same day I called and as a result, I  now have 4 more appointments scheduled within October and November and I will be doing therapy.  Therapy.  THERAPY.  Seems like such a big word now.  Ominous really.  I've never done therapy before.  I thought I had just by talking to a counsellor every few months to a year but as it turns out, that's not really THERAPY.  And what I'm giving a try is hypnotherapy.  Not gonna lie.  I'm scared.  Not scared to try it.  But scared that I try it and it doesn't work.  Then what?  Then I just stay the way I am forever?  I don't actually believe I will survive being the way I am forever.  So it has to work.  I feel like I'm in a swimming pool and everyone is frolicking in the pool and bouncing around and having a great old time and I'm half under water, drowning, with only my eyes above the surface watching everyone.

As for the weight loss part of my equation, I have not given up.  I've been doing really well at not eating the refined white stuff.  I actually lost 5 pounds in that week that I started.  I am going to weigh in on Monday.  My neighbor started back with WW and her weigh-ins are Monday too so we are going to keep each other accountable and we are getting together on Monday to set goals.  I am two weeks behind on Brad Gansberg's running thing though because I joined up for the September 26th start and sent my new Y gym request into payroll but they were so backlogged with work that it didn't get hooked up right way.  I should be able to get my card and go on Sunday.

So that's where I'm at.  Time for bed now.  Good night sweet peeps.


  1. Michelle - you are not alone! It might seem like everyone else is frolicking in the pool, but trust me, so many others are having trouble keeping their heads above water too. You've made the right choice to be pro-active and do something about it. Good luck with the therapy and know if you ever need someone to talk to, or just to listen I'm here for you!

  2. I love your honesty and have felt that way before too. You really aren't alone. I'm happy to hear your talking to someone. My bff works at a place that has free counselling too, and she uses it. It has helped her a lot. I REALLY hope you know that you are not a failure because your not married and don't have kids. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. ((HUG))...did you get it? :) Keep your chin up and I'm here to chat if you want, anytime! Email me :)

  3. Michelle, I'm so so sorry you're going through this and feeling this way!! I truly believe and hope that therapy will work for you, I've done it in the past and it has been very helpful, have you considered medication? I also tried (now off of it) and it worked wonders, it changed the way I saw things, which I did not think to be possible!
    I'm rooting for you girl. Feel better! :)

  4. I don't know if I've commented here yet, but I have been following your blog (found it through blog-hopping a while back). Just so you know, I think you are beautiful and smart and your posts are so down-to-earth and REAL. You are way too hard on yourself. BUT with that said, I totally know that life does happen and it can get you down - and that is great that you have a counselor to talk to.

    I got married a lot later than all of my friends and siblings, and when I was single I would get emotional as well when I would hear of yet another friend or relative getting married. But you know what - I eventually found the perfect guy and we've been married now for almost 7 years and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. My point is, it's WAY way better to wait and be single, than to be married and unhappy. Your prince charming will come and you will be glad you didn't settle.

    Anyway sorry my post is getting so long. Anyway, I follow your blog because I too am trying to lose weight. You can check my blog out if you want - http://bellydiaries.blogspot.com/

  5. Thanks so much for your comment on my blog - I didn't realize we were the same weight! YES let's do this thing already. I've been so motivated lately! So glad to "meet" you!