Soooo . . . . crap.

Soooo yeah.  I'm not in a good place.  Really not.  I've turned into a hermit.  I've always been a bit of a homebody in that I like being at home.  I don't mind spending time alone and I love my home.  But I think I've crossed the line from homebody to hermit.  Mostly because I don't want to spread this negativity and Debbie Downer business around.  And because I really just don't want to be around people.

When it comes right down to the very nitty gritty of it, I'm not happy.  I'm quite unhappy.  I'm an angry person.  I'm a fearful person.  Sometimes I think my fear masquerades as anger.  I feel like I suck at life.  These are things that I generally always think and feel but I've gotten quite good at just pushing it back down and going on with business as usual.  However, circumstances as of late, bring all of it to the surface, all the time.  My baby sister gets married tomorrow.  She's getting married by a JP just to be married before the baby comes and there is a very small family only dinner tomorrow night.  Every time I think about it, I cry.  Every time.  At work.  While waiting for the bus.  While on the bus.  If I think about it, I can choke on the lump in my throat and tears sting my eyes.  I feel like such a failure.  A loser.  A spinster.  And then I get angry.  At myself.  Very very angry.

As a result of my explosion of emotion at a fricking bus top on Tuesday morning, I made an appointment with one of our company counsellors.  I work for a great company and I am very thankful that we have two counsellors on staff and it's free.  FREE!!!  I had an appointment the same day I called and as a result, I  now have 4 more appointments scheduled within October and November and I will be doing therapy.  Therapy.  THERAPY.  Seems like such a big word now.  Ominous really.  I've never done therapy before.  I thought I had just by talking to a counsellor every few months to a year but as it turns out, that's not really THERAPY.  And what I'm giving a try is hypnotherapy.  Not gonna lie.  I'm scared.  Not scared to try it.  But scared that I try it and it doesn't work.  Then what?  Then I just stay the way I am forever?  I don't actually believe I will survive being the way I am forever.  So it has to work.  I feel like I'm in a swimming pool and everyone is frolicking in the pool and bouncing around and having a great old time and I'm half under water, drowning, with only my eyes above the surface watching everyone.

As for the weight loss part of my equation, I have not given up.  I've been doing really well at not eating the refined white stuff.  I actually lost 5 pounds in that week that I started.  I am going to weigh in on Monday.  My neighbor started back with WW and her weigh-ins are Monday too so we are going to keep each other accountable and we are getting together on Monday to set goals.  I am two weeks behind on Brad Gansberg's running thing though because I joined up for the September 26th start and sent my new Y gym request into payroll but they were so backlogged with work that it didn't get hooked up right way.  I should be able to get my card and go on Sunday.

So that's where I'm at.  Time for bed now.  Good night sweet peeps.