Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Please Stop the Ride!

It's been a while.  I haven't done much but I've maintained my weight.  Pretty good considering usually when I'm not losing weight, I'm gaining weight.  Staying the same is okay for right now because I haven't been capable of much else.

I've been on this!  Canada's Wonderland.
Normally, I love rollercoasters.  Love them!  I want to get off the emotional one I'm on.  There has been so much happening.  So much.  And I'm still smack dab in the middle of it.  Painfully so.  There have been a few good things and some bad things and it's all exhausting so I'll just share a couple today, otherwise, it will be one of those posts that is so long that you open it and think "oh hell, I don't have time to read that!"  So I'll post again this weekend with the rest.

The good first -- I have posted before about my least favorite body part.  My breasts.  Ugh.  Far too big, far too much back pain.  I can only spend so much on massage therapy only to have the pain back in a couple of days.  Anyhow, back in February I finally asked my doctor for a referral to a surgeon for a breast reduction.  I had my first consultation in May, they took all the measurements required and did an exam and told me I was "clearly a candidate" for insurance to cover it.  Awesome!   Then I was told the wait was a year.  Sigh.  They did have a cancellation list so I put myself on it and told them that I would so love to get an appt between October & March because winter is the best time for me and my job to be able to take time off.  I also told them I could do short notice, give me a couple weeks heads up and I'll take it.  The call came at the end of October and they had a cancellation for me for November 29th.  I jumped on it.  My birthday is the 30th so I'm thinking this is the best birthday present ever.  I'm so excited.  I've researched and researched and I'm pretty prepared around home for my recovery time.  I'm pumped.  I can't believe it's this Tuesday!

The bad -- I hate when something or someone points out that I'm fat.  I know I'm fat.  I don't need a reminder.  Here was the reminder, at least that other people thought so too.  So my Grandma and Grandpa recently moved with my Dad all the way from Ontario to BC.  A big move at their age.  Grams is 91 and Gramps is almost 93.  Grams is starting to have some confusion.  We're not sure if it's Alzheimer's or dementia or sometimes just some confusion.  People used to get my sister Erin and I mixed up constantly.  Not so much now that I'm overweight.  With there being three granddaughters, she's starting to mix us all up.  I was talking to my Dad on the phone, saying how excited I was that I will be there to visit in a month and I asked how Grams was doing with the confusion etc.  He told a few really funny stories about things she's said and then he thought of one more.  Dad was telling her how Erin was coming over for supper and that I was coming to visit for ten days at Christmas and she looked at him and said "who's the big one?" Yeah, that would be me.  F*ck.  I don't blame her for saying it.  She's 91 years old and she can't ask who's the blonde, who's the freckled one, or who's the blue-eyed one because we both are.  The only difference to her is that I'm the big one.  But you know, he's known that I struggle with my weight, he's known how hard I've tried, he knows about the thyroid, he knows about the depression, did he really have to repeat that f*cking charming anecdote?  No, he didn't.  And what's more, is that Grams is pretty damn proper and she never would have said that to me or in front of me.  I took a hit that day.  That was Saturday.  Now I'm going to visit one month from today knowing I'm the "big one" to everyone else too, not just me.  Ugh.  I love this forum.  I haven't even repeated this story to anyone because I probably would have cried while telling it.

Hopefully, I can use this as motivation after the surgery.  Heck, the surgery alone is automatically going to make me smaller and I've been reading up on the healing diet that is recommended for speedy healing with fewer issues.  Just by looking at it, I can tell there will be weight loss.  Every little bit helps.

I will post again this weekend because oh yes, there is still more.  It's been a crazy, crazy month!
Missed you bloggy peeps :)


  1. Hi M,

    You can only be true to yourself. You cannot take responsibility for others comments...nor can you take them to heart because nobody knows the road you have travelled...except you. Blessed are the ignorant, family included!

    Be the better person, shrug it off, follow your plan, goals and belief's...and you will be better for it!

    I believe in you and I know the rest of your followera do too! Rock on and kick ASS!

  2. I will keep my eyes open for you!

  3. Hi Michelle, I was waiting for one of your posts, glad you're back. First off, the comment that was made...SUCKS! I think people that don't go through this emotional roller coaster can never truly appreciate how hurtful simple little comments can make. ugh!!!

    About the breast... YAY! you're having the reduction right? Let me tell you, I had that surgery in February of last year, it's the BEST thing I've ever done!!!! I don't regret it for a minute! I went from a size F to a full C, omg, no more back and I can finally run again. Trust me, this alone will give you confidence in yourself and in your body! Good luck, can't wait to hear all about it. (If you have any questions, let me know) The recovery was not bad at all either :)

  4. well that is great about your surgery! I have had huge boobs (D's) ever since having kids. Normally I'm a small C. I have to say, I hate having big boobs. Not only can I not fit into shirts well, but it totally makes me look fatter than I am. So I totally understand where you are coming from. And hey - afterwards you might be a good 5 lbs lighter right? :)

    And on the grandparent thing, I get you there too. I think people, as they get older, lose a lot of their tact. And I also think it's a generational thing. My Grandpa passed away 2 years ago, he was 89. And he stayed sane with a sharp mind (albiet forgetful sometimes, but still pretty sharp) all the way up until he passed. Even with a super sharp mind, he was still tactless with comments about my weight. sad, but the last time I saw him alive was when we came to visit my grandparents Christmas of 2009. We just had our firstborn then, and he was 6 months old. I, obviously, had a lot of luscious baby pounds on me. I could tell the way he kept looking at me that he was analyzing my body and he did eventually make the comment "You've put on some weight, haven't you?". I was super annoyed that he had to point it out. It's like, seriously WHAT DOES IT MATTER? And it's not just me, but growing up I would always hear him make comments about other overweight people. It just seemed like it was all he saw on people, or at least the first thing he saw. and my grandma is the same way. She would be telling me about someone and say "It's really sad that Barb has gained so much weight over the years". I'm just thinking, first off I have no clue who Barbara is and why do I even flipping care about how much she weighs? It also doesn't help that both of my grandparents are/were 5'5 and 5'6 and teeny tiny. My Grandma probably weight 98 lbs. And here I am 5'7" and towering over both of them and 200+.

    I usually have to just let the comments roll off like water off a duck's back, but at the same time, sometimes it's hard. And it's annoying. And you just want to retaliate. But then you stop and realize how old they are and you don't have much time left with them and to just ignore it. Although I do have to say, it would be a dream to one day show up at my Grandma's house at my goal weight and have her FINALLY tell me how skinny I am. that is something I have NEVER heard from her lips.

  5. Oh, honey. :( I'm so sorry. Comments like that always cut deep, but seem to cut even deeper when they're from family.

    I'll be thinking about you next week and sending speedy healing vibes!


  6. That's very good of you to take the understanding route with your Grandma's comment. And yes, what was his point in sharing...

    On the other part of your post - congratulations on making the decision and pursuing it. I've had a couple of friends who have had BR and they are all so pleased they did it. Happy healing!

  7. Hi! I am a new reader! I hope your surgery goes well!!!