Thursday, December 2, 2010

Ten Days of Blogging Absence

I was going to post about what's been going on and then decided against it because I thought it really didn't have anything to with weight loss so why post it on a weight loss blog?   I thought about it again today.  Maybe for a lot of people these things wouldn't have anything to do with weight loss, but for me it does.  It so does.

Essentially what's been happening is family drama.  My family has no shortage of drama.  I would need more than a movie, more than a miniseries.  We'd need a prime time drama slot at 8 pm with a spinoff at 9 pm in the second season just to cover the latest marriage and ensuing drama.  From an outsiders view, I'm the normal one.  From my friends I hear "how did you turn out okay?" "how are you so normal?".  Yet from the inside, I'm sort of the black sheep I think.

The Cliff Notes version:  Essentially, an affair tore the family apart 12 years ago and no one has really been the same.  I haven't really spoken to my mother in about as long.  Our last actual phone conversation went like this a few days before my birthday 12 years ago:
Her: well, what are you doing for Christmas?
Me: I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it.
Her: She slammed the phone down.  Back in the day when you could still slam a phone down, hahaha!!

I never heard from her on my birthday or for Christmas.  Thankfully, I've had AMAZING people in my life.  AMAZING.  I could cry right now just thinking about how amazing.  I have only spent one Christmas Day alone and that was my choice.  I really just wanted to.  Anyhow, I digress.  The current drama happening is a result of my little sister's engagement.  I got a facebook message from my mother asking if I was open to a reconciliation.  I replied saying that I was and that I have been for a long time.  I don't want things to be uncomfortable any more than she does at this wedding.  I would never ever ever cause a scene or make things awful for my sister so it would have been okay anyway but it would be better if we were on speaking terms.  We have tried in the past twice to fix this thing but she actually stood me up twice (which she denies but everyone else remembers).  And things quickly went off the rails again.  I've actually felt okay about not having a relationship with her because I've never felt like there was something more I could do.  I've put myself out there over and over and I keep getting burned because she is still the same person.  I don't what it is that I don't get but every single time I get burned, I'm shocked.  Why???  Why am I shocked???  So I'm back in this place again and realizing that she hasn't changed a bit.

She was excited that I was open to a reconciliation and right away talk started of the wedding and how expensive it will be and how she wishes she would do a destination wedding because most family members have to travel.  It's kind of funny that we agree on a lot regarding my little sister's financial situation and wedding plans.  We haven't talked about anything important or what caused the massive wedge in the first place.  We haven't because in the past, that's where everything goes to hell fast.  She still denies any and all wrongdoing and the rest of are still waiting for an acknowledgement that her decisions seriously hurt and altered everyone and everything.  Because of this, I've decided that for the sake of my sister and my sanity, I will simply have a very light and surfacy (not a word I know) relationship.  I will talk about nothing that it is important to me and nothing that I want to keep safe.  Thank goodness she lives 1000 kms away.

This reconciliation is about 3 weeks in the making now.  And the hurt is already starting.  She sent me a birthday card with $50, she told me she was buying me a Kindle for Christmas, and then she starts talking about me behind my back to my sisters.  Say whaaaat???  Nice fricking attempt, Mom.  The current situation being that she never invited my little brother & sister for Christmas so they had nothing to do.  I invited them to my place and said we'd do a whole crazy fun Christmas just the way we want to do it.  Big meal with just the stuff we want, the tree is up, I have stockings on the mantle for them, I've got crazy carpets for sledding on the hill by place, a Wii for the games, a DVD of the old school Christmas classic cartoons, and hideously ugly Christmas vests so we can take deliberately bad family photos.  The kids are both so excited and my sister's fiance is going to come too and he is equally as excited.  When my mom caught wind of this, she says "well, why can't you do that here?"  Here, being 1000 km's away.  In another country.  Three and a half weeks before Christmas when neither of them have time to book enough time off work to make the trip.  Now she's miffed that I'm somehow replacing her and we are back to square one.  How can I steal Christmas from her when she didn't plan one or invite them in the first place??  She constantly competes with me instead of supporting me.  If I was a mom and I lived far away from my children, I think I would be thrilled if one of the kids stepped up and brought everyone together for Christmas.  I really would be.  I have no idea why she's not.  I just have to say that I am so glad she lives so far away.  I hope she never moves back and I hope she never finds this blog!!!  Ahaha!  As I'm typing this I'm thinking that there is no way she would stumble across a weight loss blog of mine when only 4 people I know personally actually know about this blog and none of them talk to my mother.  Anyhow, at this point, under normal circumstances I would be ready to call it quits again because considering the jabs have already started just three weeks in, they aren't going to stop and I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to deal with it yet.  But these aren't normal circumstances.  I still have my sister's wedding to contend with which is what prompted the whole thing in the first place.  Oh, and there's Kindle on the line.  Bahahaha!!  So really, I'm stuck in this and I have to figure out a way to tolerate and survive having someone hurtful in my life.

So my plan of attack is to go to my doctor and get a prescription for an anti-depressant that I used to be on.  Just to help me over the hump of the next few months hopefully.  I haven't been sleeping because I can't shut my thoughts off.  I need to feel more in control than I do right now, which is why what is happening has everything to do with weight loss for me.  I've been to distracted by emails, facebook messages, and texts concerning all of this to concentrate on myself.  I haven't tracked or worked out or really prepared meals.  That's why I'm so amazed I managed a two pound weight loss.  Next up, keep thing going the way they are with my mother.  Keep it light, don't let her in too much because then there isn't anything close to me that she can use against me.

I took tomorrow off of work.  Thank goodness!!  I am so exhausted that there is no way I could have gotten up early again tomorrow.  My plan over the next couple of days is to clean up all the Christmas everywhere.  We just put up the tree so the remnants of all the boxes and tissue and other stuff is everywhere.  Laundry, normal housekeeping etc.  I'm going to make a meal plan and an exercise plan for the next week.  And every time I start thinking about how hard this all is, I'm going to put Just Dance 2 on the Wii.  That game requires your energy and your concentration so there's no way I could keep thinking about the bad stuff when I'm trying to keep up with the moves on Tik Tok.

So that's it in a nutshell.  Sorry if it's an overshare but it feels good to get some of it out and I can move forward from here in this little weight loss journey of mine.

Ta ta for now.  :)


  1. Oh, sweetie! I'm so sorry.. I can't imagine my MOM doing something like that.. or any mom.. I hope you and your siblings have a GREAT christmas, and post all the pics on FB and if she bitches, then tell it's her loss for not asking to come over to you..

    I hope that all of this works out, and that you don't lose your marbles because of your mom..

  2. Michelle, I´m so sorry to hear of this - it must be tough to have that kind of relationship.. You seem like you´re being very considerate to your sister and that shows how big of a person you really are!
    After having to deal with things like this, I agree it does totally affect your weight loss struggle, but don´t let anyone bring you down, you deserve better and if just venting helps, then by all means vent away.. Us blogger friends will be here for the support you need =) Can´t wait to see those Christmas pics.. glad you´re enjoying the wii too - can´t wait to play that game.

  3. Usually, these kind of issues make it impossible to concentrate on other important aspects of your life. I however think that you should move forward and not let anyone bring you down.

    In time, God would put things where they should be. Take heart love and get some cardio pronto!!! ;-)

  4. Michelle, I feel for you. I'm going through issues with my only sibling, where he keeps re-fighting things almost 20 years old. We haven't spoken in over 4 years.

    Venting on your blog is healthier than keeping it all bottled up inside. You know that we're here to support you, and often having a 3rd party removed from the situation can shed better light on it for you.

    Enjoy your celebrations with your siblings, and I agree with Sarah, post the pictures on FB and let your mother regret her actions.

    Take a deep breath, go play on Wii, and then sit down and review your goals, exercise and meal plans.

    Remember, you are beautiful inside and out and you deserve healthy love!

  5. I say, keep on keeping on. She has not stopped you from living all these years, so don't give her that control now, (and when I say stop you from living, I mean, you have continued on without her and seem to have done a fab job of it). Prayers, prayers, and lots of good, positive music to help keep you merry, and enjoy your Christmas with your family.

    *This is my first visit to your blog, I think. I love the title.

  6. Thanks for all the encouragement ladies! I really appreciate it!