The Perfect Storm

I feel like this little boat.

PMS + an upcoming trip + a summer cold struggling to emerge + a heat wave + everyone around me is pregnant =
THE PERFECT STORM





So the PMS is the real devil here.  It makes every single one of the above struggles 10x bigger and more painful.  Do any of you have raging, crazy pms?  If so, have you tried anything that's worked to alleviate it?  My doctor once told me he suspected I had PMDD.  I wouldn't be surprised but really, other than medicating yourself for 30 days a month to treat one week a month, I don't see an answer.   Honestly, even though I know what it is and I know that I am a crazy, irrational person who hates the world and everyone in it at that time, it doesn't make it any less of a difficult few days knowing that there is a reason behind it and the intensity of emotion will pass soon.  I also know that the basis for the emotions are true and are there all the time but oh the intensity of that one time a month.  INTENSE.


I have been eating like a crazy person.  I've tracked everything and blown through my daily points and as of tonight my extra weekly points are gone.  If I want/need to go over my daily points for the next four days, I'll need to get some activity in there.  I am fighting thissummer cold tooth and nail and it comes & goes.  At least the trip is a fun thing to be planning.  My sister and I are pretty much planning it via text message and pretty much taking turns booking things and making reservations and it's really coming together so it's just a little stressful at times.  I leave in two weeks and I just want to make sure everything at work is up to speed and my condo & cats are looked after etc.

Which brings me to the pregnant thing.  Let me just preface this by saying, yes, I'm bitter.  I'm not bitter all the time, just a little of the time and at the moment, all these pregnant people are overwhelming me.  I'm not kidding, it seems that EVERYONE is pregnant.  Friends, my little sister (she's 24, I don't have words to explain how much this one hurts at times), and girls I used to babysit.  Yes, it's happy, I'm happy for them.  But at the same time, it breaks my heart, truly. At nearly 38 years old, single & childless,  it has been pretty f*cking hard to watch everyone around me get married and have babies.  They step out their front door and meet someone.  Believe me I've tried.  Blind dates, online dating, etc.  I've even tried "not trying" because apparently it "happens when you least expect it".  Um, no, no it doesn't.  I've struggled with this for about 10 years now, wondering why not me.  I've pretty much let go of the baby idea.  It's far too painful to keep hanging onto a hope or a dream that in reality has a very low probability of happening especially given the fact that I have endometriosis and one ovary left.

So now where my pain lies is showers, wedding showers, baby showers etc.  Just shoot me.  In the midst of my pms rage, I found out (via facebook naturally, I so want to delete facebook) that a girl I babysat is pregnant.  Actually two of them, one is due any day now.  I burst into tears, go through the whole thing, eat some crap, feel like shit and start to recover.  While I'm distracting myself with online scrabble, an email pops up and it's an e-vite to a baby shower for my friend's daughter who just had a baby.  More tears.  Again, she's 10 years younger than me.  I've decided something.  I'm done with showers.  DONE.  I'm not attending any more.  Effectively immediately.  From now on, I will politely decline.  I've been shelling out cash for years celebrating other people's happiness and choices and I'm done.  It kills me to be there and I don't ever want to hear "it's your turn next".  Really??  If this was a "waiting till it's your turn" situation, I'm pretty sure my turn should have come before all the girls I babysat and changed diapers for. I feel sad the whole time and then usually come home and cry and I'm done.  I know some may be disappointed, or think that I'm being a bitch, think I don't care about them.  Yes, yes I do care about you. But then I think, can you please care about me?  With all the people that will be there, the fact that I'm not, will go unnoticed.  And if it hurts my heart to be there then do you really want me to do that??

I'm going to make myself a little registry list of things that I need and every time I'm invited to a shower, I'm going to decline and then I"m going to buy myself something off that list if I can afford it.  Number one is towels. :)  I've never had nice matching soft towels.  Spoken like a true crazy woman.

So I will leave you with this clip from one of my favorite Sex & the City episodes.  I loved Sex & the City.  I so can not relate to the active sex lives but there were so many episodes that just made me feel okay about being single that sometimes I pop in the dvd's of my favorites when I'm feeling shitty about it.  In a nutshell in this episode, Carries goes to a baby shower and her shoes get stolen and the woman who the shower is for makes her feel like crap for spending so much money on shoes and doesn't want to pay her for them.  LANGUAGE WARNING if you have little ears around.

And then Carrie says she is marrying herself and registers for the shoes.  Love this.

Don't worry, it's entirely likely I'll be back to my "normal" self in a couple of days, until then, no person or food item is safe.